what am I getting myself into.

I hung out with D yesterday morning. He had court, one of his felonies got dropped. Now he is just charged with Possession of an illegal substance with intent to sell. He picked me after court.
We got a red box movie. Necromentia. A stupid move btw, fucking retarded. We got a pizza, went back to him place. No one was home. Everyone was at work, and the baby was at school. We ate, sat on seperate couches. Then about 15 minutes into the movie he asked me to be his pillow. I went on the couch, he put his head on my lap, it felt good. He rubbed my hands and arms. He proceeded to rub my leg and then he said "Damn you are scarred up." I'm use to him pointing out my faults.
Only if he knew the stories behind the scars, maybe then he wouldn't make fun of them.
After the retarded movie, we went in his room. Then he layed me down and started kissing me, it was weird. I can tell that he hates kissing. It's like kissing a mannequin. He doesn't know how to touch me, or kiss me. He seems uncomfortable with passion. I jokingly said "I don't want to get you sick again" He replied. "Lets not kiss then and get right to it." 
and we did, it was wam bam thank you ma'am. Literally. We fucked, we finished. Got dressed and he was like alright well you ready to go home. No cuddling, no kissing, nothing.. I just got my stuff together and kept my mouth shut.
He likes sex. He like talking about himself. He like the fact that I adore his talents. He likes how I do everything for him, give him backrubs, make sure he has everything and stays organized. But those aren't reasons to be with someone. He doesn't show any emotion towards me. When he says something nice, it doesn't even sound believable. Everything is weird with us.
I'm just use to having the guy adore me, want me, do things for me. I'm use to cuddling, kissing, affection.
Why wouldn't you want to touch the person you care for so much?
I'm just racking my brain about it once again.
  • Current Music
    TechN9ne- Demons

Someones out to get me.

Last night I went to my boo's house. We attempted to watch a redbox- but of course the disk was fucked up. We have such horrible luck with movies. We cuddled, fooled around, fucked and then I had a feeling to go home.
We pull up to my house around 2 am. I seen my moms car outside, which already put me on the edge. I kissed him good-bye and started walking up to my house. Something didn't feel right. Then I seen that all the lights were on. As I walk in, I jokingly said "what's up with the tweaker status?" and my grandfather looks at me as he is standing in the bathroom. He replies "Who is out to get you Cassie?! Someone busted our windows." - My heart dropped. I didn't know what to do.
My grandfather said that he heard someone yelling "Bitch your not going to get away with this" over and over again.
Then it hit me, a couple days ago there was this car. When I was standing outside of my house, this car passed my house 5 different times with their lights off. I didn't think anything of it because I live on a somewhat busy street. There are idiots everywhere. But they even parked in front of my house, when they did- I hopped out of my brothers car and started walking towards them. The car dipped off. That same night I heard this big ass bang. Like someone shot at my house. It shook my whole wall and everything. but again, I kinda just shook it off because of the location I am in. I didn't want to think that someone hit my house.
But they did. I think it was because I wasn't home- that's why they did it.
I hate to think Bryce had anything to do with it. How can I NOT think he had something to do with it.
I ended up calling him.
I told him what happened. I was in tears. He asked me if I was okay, and I said no. He started crying. Saying he would never hurt me or my family. That he still loves me to death and that he worries about me everyday.
That felt good to hear, I'm not going to lie. I felt the affection in his voice.
I ended up hanging up with him. I called Don. Told him goodnight and I was fine.
He told me if I couldn't sleep to call him back- I couldn't sleep, but I called Bryce again.
The conversation we had was short- but it hurt.
Again, he asked me if I was okay. I told him I will always be fine. But he knew in my voice that I was torn up. He asked if there was anything he can do, of course I said no. Then after a long pause- He said it. "I love you". My heart stopped and tears started flowing. I felt goosebumps shiver down my arms and legs. I couldn't respond for a minute. 
"Are you sure about that?" was my reply.
"I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it" he replied.
"I don't know why, I fucked you over so bad." I said.
Then he said the most perfect thing he could of ever.
"As long as I'm breathing." he said.
He knows what so say to make me quake. There is this lullaby that his Mom use to sing him as a child. "I'll love you forever, and like you for always- As long as I'm breathing, My baby you'll be."
After a couple seconds of silence, I finished the sentence. "My baby you'll be."
After asking him to kiss Weiser and Ziggy for me, I told him I will let him go.
His voice was shattered. He was in tears. He was in as much pain as I was.
and that felt good. I dont know exactly what felt good about it. I don't know if it was that he still loved me that made me feel good, or if the reason was because he was in pain.
It seems like I miss him. But when I think about it I just miss the "love". The love he has for me, the love he showed me. Everyday.
Don will never love me the way Bryce does. I will never be D's number one, or D's world.
Bryce loves me. Really loves me. From head to toe. He called me beautiful everyday. Wanted the best for me. He was proud to hold my hand, and call me his girl. He wanted to marry me. Sex was passionate and amazing. He never made me feel used. He caressed my skin, kissed my shoulders. Kissed my forehead. He always kissed my forehead, with such umph. I just miss it. But I don't miss him as a person. I just miss the things he did.
4 years I was with Bryce. It's only been a couple months since we broke up. I'm only like 60% over him. and that 60 percent goes to Don. but the other 40 percent of me is hidden in agony. There's a wall around me. I don't want to let D in. I don't want to give him that chance to hurt me.
So what do I do? I keep my distance.I don't let myself get as close as I want. I know he can feel the distance.
Standing at the redbox last night, he put his arms around me- I stepped foreward. He felt me step foreward- and he just let go.
We went to B1's house last night before right after D picked me up. Sitting in his car waiting for B1 to get home was kind of akward for me. We talked about his music and how he found some cool beats for the new album. They were sick though. Just seems like that's all we are able to talk about. Music and battles. Which I don't mind half the time. But sometimes- I need more conversation then that. I need it to be about me, ONCE in awhile. I hate to be selfish. and that makes me sound really selfish.

I haven't slept. With all the drama that has happened. I couldn't fuckin sleep.
I've just been waiting. Waiting for something else to happen.
Wanting that motherfucker to come back.
I will shoot him in the head.
I have NO idea who is after me. I really have no clue. A lot of people hate me though, so it's hard to pinpoint who it could be.

Just another fucking day in the life of Cassie fucking B.

  • Current Music
    silence.

Labeled.

Straying away from the agony.
Trying to find the real me.
Consumed in society.
Not knowing who I should be.
Whatever my label, it has to be exciting.
I always have to live up to my name, CassieB.

 
Labels are a bunch of ruckus now adays. Why would someone even want to restrict themselves to a label? I am a hippie because that's what people claim me to be. But i'm not as positive and friendly as most stereotypical hippies are.
I listen to Necro, Tech N9ne, ICP, Twizted.[Juggalo]
I also listen to Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, The expendables, Bob marley. [hippie].
I also listen to Brad Paisley, Alan Jackson, Martina Mcbride, and Brooks&Dunn [Country].
I also listen to WuTang, Public Enemy, Tupac, and other rap artist.
I listen to Underground rap music religiously. mostly local.
Iron Maiden, Cradle of Filth, Metallica, hardcore shit.
So based on music- I have no style. I have no preference. Music is my life. I respect anything that has a beat.

If your into morbid music like Necro, or even lyrical genius' like Atmosphere- Check this guy out- he is amazing.www.youtube.com/donniemenace .

Listen to "Acid Skies". or "The World is Sick."



 
  • Current Music
    D.Menace.

family.

He has me wrapped around his little finger,
As the days go by my heart is getting weaker. 
trying to hide my emotion,
not trying to show my devotion,
I want to give him the best of me,
yet the best of me is to far to see
.

 I'm going to have a whole new attitude towards life. There is no point in thinking life is ever just an end. As long as you are breathing you should have a reason to keep taking that breath. My reasons might not be the most legit but they still keep me breathing.
I've never had that REAL family. Never had family dinners, or even those family road trips. It's just been me and my gramps since I was born. He has always been either to old or to sick to do anything with me. I missed out on everything as a child. And as for my mother, She has been there since I was born.. but she was in the background. Never took care of me, never made sure I was okay. She just put all the responsibility on my grandfather which is what made him hate me more then love me. He loved me as a granddaughter, but he hates me because he was forced to take care of me. Now I know he doesn't have any feeling towards me. The only feeling is hatred.
I'm by far the worst kid anyone could of had. My attitude and ignorance is not something a parent should have to deal with. 
Your parents mold you into what you are, but what do you do when your parentals are not something they should of been?
I was a rebel. I rebelled against everything my parents stood for because I didn't want to be molded into either of them.
I wanted to be my own person, I wanted my own personality. I don't want to be molded into my mother.. A tweaker with a derranged life that involves hustling and hurting the few people close to her. She has never been dependable. She has never been the motherly figure. She doesn't have the qualities a mother should have. My mom would sell her best friends soul if she could. She would do anything for money. And because of that I never fucked over anyone who was close to me, and I damn sure didn't care about money. Money is always the last thing on my mind. I have held my friends closer then my family because they are my family. I molded this what I thought was perfect family. But in the end, I'm still alone. Because blood IS thicker then water. No matter how much bullshit you try to mix with it. 
My family is the reason I am the person I am today.  A very lonely person. That's all I have been my entire life. I surround myself with people who I think loves me, I need that affection. I strive off of it.
I hate being the center of attention, don't get it twisted. I just love when someone tells me that they appreciate me. 
I help people constantly. I put everyone before myself. I don't know how to change that. I don't know how to just say fuck everybody, this is about me.
Because it has never been about me. Ever.

hmm. another night of morbid thoughts.

 

  • Current Music
    Donnie Menace- Acid Skies

Whiskey Fulfilled Dreams.


Through all these years that passed,
I watched them through the eyes of a shot glass,
only way to happiness I suppose.
Such a dark and twisted kaleidoscope,
turning and turning, getting way to blurry.
Finding myself spinning in a circle, 
wondering if all of the sickness is worth it.
Everyday I get reminded of how I'm not perfect,
If I was gone, it wouldn't make a difference.
Bullshit is all I put up with, and life doesn't make much sense.
Feeding myself a bottle a night,
tipping those tall cans to the sky.
Knowing I'm only hiding behind my pride.
Not wanting to feel the tears in my eyes.
Hating what I've become, not knowing what i've done.
Living in this life that's just a labryinth,
with my best friends Vodka and Jack Daniels.
It's getting to the point where I can't live a day with out them.
The difference between me and an alcoholic,
is I admit that I'm a fucking addict.
But once you've been surrounded,
How am I suppose to live without it?
One day I will find the reason to quit.
but i know my "friends" will always be there until then.
Filling my blood full of different kinds of toxins.
I don't believe this is something I can just end.
Until the day I'm reunited,
with with the only person who kept me sane, 
here's a never ending toast for you, and I will see you soon James.

 

 

Rest in Paradise baby, I love you.

 

People say home is where the heart is, well my heart got buried 6 ft under 3 1/2 years ago.

 

-


 

  • Current Music
    Amazing Jeckel Brothers.

captured.

Tossed around in confusion,
trying to fill the shoes your in.
It's a ridiculous feeling...
when you know your life has no meaning.


^This is my idea of true love.^
I want so badly to believe there is a such thing as True Love. But then, who is really true? You have to be true to yourself before you are true to someone else.

 He told me tonight that if it is feeling as if he is being distant, it's because he doesn't want to show weakness. But I don't understand how affection can be that big of a weakness. I see guys who are more affectionate towards girls they just met then he is with me.
Yet I have to understand that the girls who broke his heart  molded him into the warped individual he is. I think he believes that if he shows me that he actually cares for me that I am going to take advantage. He says it's because he doesn't take things for granted. What does that even mean in this situation? Holding my hand is taking me for granted? Kissing me randomly? Putting your arms around me? Holding me tight? That's not taking me for granted, that's showing me that you care.
The public thing is getting pretty hurtful. Every event I see him at kills me more. I can't ever do what I want to him, like kiss him. But us being a secret is very understandable, especially with the situation we are in. I never knew that something off of youtube was going to control my love life.
As the days pass, peoples eyes grow fonder and prying a little deeper. I feel them watching us as we are just standing next to eachother. Wondering if we are an item or just good friends. They see me smile and somehow touching him as he walks by me. I've also been promoting him a lot lately. Seems to be the only person I promote anymore.. My friend John Streets told me that me and my "boy" are leaving obvious clues everywhere. I haven't noticed them until now. I'm good at covering my tracks though, because no one yet has any proof of me and my boy being existent.
D told me that if we did come out to the public, no one would talk to me or respect me anymore, because he is known as the biggest asshole to females. Which is true, he is an asshole.
He isn't what he put himself out to be. The self image that he created for people to see is angry, devil worshipping, murderous, bloody, torture, babykiller, raping, fucked up in the head basicly. People don't realize that he isn't his music. Anyone can write about anything.
His real side is what made me fall for him. When I met him, I had no idea who he "was". He is just a normal kid like me with hopes and dreams but a fucked up mentality. I can tell him pretty much anything, even gross shit and he won't judge me for it. He likes all the nasty horror movies that I always wanted to watch, but never had someone brave enough to watch them with. I love that we can just watch a movie and laugh and bullshit the whole time. Not everything is serious. I can act like a goof, crack jokes, talk shit. BE ME.
I never had that before, that type of quality time.
Before the conversation I had with him today I had a totally different perspective on us. Now I know i can just relax a little on the hope he cares for me bullshit. He wouldn't put up with me if he didn't care for me.

Seems like everything is trying to seperate us. The distance, parents, transportation, people. It's just tiring, I feel like a 14 year old again. like I'm being restricted.

Even if the world doesn't believe in us, I do. that's all that matters.


  • Current Music
    Soul Khan- Invisible Hand

Nicotine.

Woke up with the worst throat ache, spit up all this nasty shit.
I hate this time of year, the season of the sick. 


I'm still highly confused on what I'm going to do with my life,
I have no Job, I don't go to school. What should I do?
I'm only 20 years old and it feels like I'm throwing my life away.

I been getting the cravings again,
My head spins in circles, but there is nothing I can
do but bite down on my pillow and try to sleep.
It's not easy to be clean. That why I resorted to alcohol.
I drink on a daily basis, I can't sleep without a couple shots in my system.
It doesn't scare me, what scares me is how much I can consume.
If it's not one thing it's another, call it a crutch if you want but I can't "stand" with out it.
Let alone live.

blahh, i hate this feeling.

learn to deal.

D.S:

You caress my skin,
but only for a second.
You hold my hand,
but that doesn't last for over a minute.
You have said you will never hurt me,
but it feels like you do it purposely.
You live your life based on anger,
which is only making me more of a stranger.
I am a firm believer in opposites attract,
yet you don't let our opposites interact.
You throw out my beliefs,
and leave me in stupidity.
You have no dependency,
yet your all I need.
Your lips make me shake.
But I can't deal with heartbreak,
I'll just learn to deal with the fake.
Give you a shot of your own taste.
I felt myself falling for you,
but now I see what I'm not going to do.
In your mind,
alone is how your gonna die.
So what's the point in my effort,
when everything else is going to be more important.
For years I wasn't put first,
and I refuse to do that again.
I'll find the one to cherish me completely,
from my toes to head, from the streets to the bed,
in sweats or in heels,
Someone who actually cares how I feel.
I wish you could look at me with pride,
see what you have before I just give up and say good-bye.



-ChaoticCassiee
 
My eyes tell more to the story then you want to believe.
You deserve the best of the best,
and that damn sure isn't me.
 
  • Current Music
    Dead body Disposal. -Necro.

(no subject)

Pain and agony is what I'm surrounded by. No matter what I try and do, I feel as if I'm walking through the shadows of death. Every breathe feels like it's getting shorter. Until the day I'm breathless.

As for the religious bullshit people try and throw in your face, it's not believable in my eyes. I can't feel as if there is a higher power watching over me. I'm all alone in this cold world, and in the end- that is the truth. I don't necessarily believe in demons either. The only belief I have is within spirits. Good and Evil. But that is based on the person. You yourself choose whether to be good or evil. I chose to be good, but I believe evil will conquer. Temptation and greed will always have the upper hand. People like me, the ones who help people succeed, love people for who they are, and give the helping hand whenever needed, will always be on the bottom. Because I care to much about the people on the bottom to rise above them. As they rise above me, I'll will no longer exist.

I'm always stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's like I'm staring at the sign but not knowing which way I should turn. I'm waiting for a person to come and help me with my lost directions- and yet again, no one. I'm just stuck looking at the sign with stupidity. I'm still staring, hoping something will happen. Maybe I will see a storm at the end of one road so I will choose the other. But doubtful. Never have I had help, and I'm damn sure not going to ask anyone for it. It's my ignorance.
Ignorance is something I need to get rid of, but it's so much easier to be ignorant to a situation then it is to understand it.

and as for love. It no longer exists. Lust will always rule over emotion. So many times have I tried to be in love, and everytime I got left in the dirt. It's pointless.
I'm tired of giving my all to someone who only cares about one thing. Because that one thing is now what runs our minds.
I asked him "Why do you even like me?" and his response... "why?" He said it was unorthodox for me to even ask. But did he ever answer the question? nope. The answer is sex, and that's it.
I don't understand how you care for someone yet have the audacity to say "If somehow we were to not talk anymore, it wouldn't phase me. Life goes on." and also "No matter what, business and money is always first, never a girl."
I'm glad he told me now, while I can still detach myself. and I have been, slowly but surely. Yet he doesn't see it. As long as I laugh at his jokes and let him talk about his career- he is satisfied. He doesn't see the pain he puts me through. 
He sees the status' I put on FB- not like he cares. But if a dude hits me up on there, best believe I'm getting a call from him.
He doesn't like me for me, I'm a dirty hippie that has a horrible past. I just need someone who is as open minded and kind as I am.
One day I will find the perfect man that will LOVE me, and not care who knows it. Someone who will comfort me and give me the affection I need, care about the stupid bullshit problems I go through everyday, ask me if I'm okay, not point out my imperfections everytime he sees them, someone who will help me build my confidence-not destroy it.. Until then I guess I'm settling for being the useless fuck.
At least being a useless fuck is still being something, and I rather be a little something to someone then a nothing to everyone.
-ChaoticCassiee.
  • Current Music
    Helter Skelter- The beatles.